Finding help for my thyroid tumor during a pandemic

The first time I tried to seek help for my thyroid was in March while in the Pediatric ICU. Ainsley was hospitalized with respiratory distress + I was at my breaking point. What Ainsley + I were going through was really difficult. But, this was the first time I spoke up about the pain in my throat. I was being so strong for Ainsley I didn’t even accept the pain I was in until I cried for help. Literally, a total breakdown, ugly cry, crying for help.

The day before this breakdown, the paramedics arrived to the hospital to transfer Ainsley + I to the main campus where she could receive intensive care. The night before, she was struggling to breathe on the highest level of oxygen available + her pulse oxygen level was dipping, requiring a transfer to an ICU. She was actually the size to possibly go to the NICU or the PICU, I think she ended up going to the PICU because they had more availability + could accept us first thing in the morning.

The paramedics had patches on their uniforms. Flight Crew. My baby was being transferred in an ICU ambulance by experts that fly to Montana, New Mexico, Wyoming, Nebraska to get children that need critical care. Now, my baby needed critical care. And, I was one of those people providing that care to her while witnessing her in such a critical state.

Through most of my experience with Ainsley’s hospitalization, I stepped outside of my body to meet the situation in the way I needed to. When the last place I wanted to be was in this traumatic experience during a global pandemic, stepping outside my body helped me cope.

Until, it just all hit me. There was a lot that could hit me + it all did right at once. In the PICU, all the rooms have a wall of glass so the patients can be well monitored. But, also when moms like me are admitted there, we can see so many other families + children hurting as well. After our transfer, Ainsley needed her IV replaced, it was hanging there + it looked so painful. I already knew that placing an IV on a 30 day old 7 lb baby with tiny veins is quite a project after our first try. Placing the first one days before was very traumatic, but that was at the start of our experience, I had endurance then + I was able to nurse her immediately after. This time, I would not be able to nurse her for at least an hour as they needed to observe her and make sure she was stable. So, I walked the halls of the Pediatric ICU during a global pandemic. That was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. That was something that surely led to my breaking point.

The next day, I was fine. I was handling it all. I was positive, I was optimistic, I was praying, I was thankful, I could see the sun through the window. Then, literally the next moment I was not. I just cried. I couldn’t stop. At first no one was there, not one nurse. Somehow I was able to get a nurse. We started talking while I was crying. Of course, I was just saying all the things that were heavy. I kept saying my throat hurt. I was worried I had Covid-19, I was going to get her + everyone else there sick. I begged + I could not get tested. Multiple times through our week long stay of course I was asked if I had any symptoms, I always said my throat hurt. It’s like I’ve had strep throat since March. I stayed very tough thinking maybe I just had very mild symptoms, just a sore throat.

Once Ainsley recovered from her respiratory distress, we went home, quarantined because we didn’t know if it was Covid that put us in the hospital, or if while we were we contracted it. Shortly after this hospital stay, Ainsley needed to be screened for a rare disease, PHACES that took months to follow up on. I followed through on every step of it amid closures due to Covid and all. Eventually, I started to ask for help again. And, again. I was able to see my family doctor when I lined my four kids + myself up for a flu shot + I just begged for an ultrasound of my thyroid. She always listens. Here I am having thyroid surgery this week on a tumor that’s been labeled two things: suspicious + abnormal. I am finally getting help.

Thank you for holding space for me as I experience something quite difficult. Yet, I couldn’t be anymore thankful about this opportunity for surgery and this opportunity for healing.

The bags with the masks the staff was re-using. The day I broke down, The nurses + doctors were meeting outside our glass doors + realized they were completely out of masks on the entire floor. That surely led to my breaking point as well.